Museday Mumblings (Vol. 29): Music and Relationships

Museday Mumblings (Vol. 29): Music and Relationships

Unlike most musicians I know, I’ve had a very easy ride when it comes to being a guy in a relationship in a band. Part of that is that I’m just attractive enough for women to be nice to me, but not quite attractive enough for them to want to have sex with me. The opportunities or really, tests, have simply not presented themselves.

I know there are exceptions, like the woman who sexually assaulted me at Spinners the one time, but generally, I’ve never really gotten any action because of music. And that was more because she was drunk and thought I was hot, not necessarily because of the fact that I sang well sitting in with my friends.

I think that a large part of the lack of action is that I’m fundamentally not very cool or confident. It’s been a struggle for basically my entire adult life to develop a sense of self-worth. And you know, not being confident is an easy way to keep the ladies off of you.

And the other big reason is that for the majority of my life in bands, I’ve been “taken” – either actually being married or being in a similar serious, committed, monogamous relationship. And I’m a man of commitment.

Some might say I’ve never really enjoyed the “benefits” of being in a band, but the reality is that I’ve never really sought those benefits from music. I’ve detailed this before on my blog, but for me, music is MINE. It’s not a tool to get laid or impress girls or other people. It’s something I do for me, for my fellow musicians, and to make people HAPPY. That’s it. It’s been that from the beginning. I know that makes me kind of weird, but it works.

But back to music and relationships. My success with relationships has a lot to do with being with women who understand the situation and trust me implicitly. Making clear what the expectations are, what role music plays in my life, and how fundamental a need creating or playing is to my mental health. Both my first wife Heather and my current wife Erin got it. They let me have the space I needed to explore music, whether locking myself for hours in the studio writing and producing stuff (when I did that) or going out and having rehearsals or playing shows. They both were very supportive and trusting, and I never took advantage of that support or violated that trust. Plus we communicated clearly about our expectations and needs, and I would work music around the needs of our relationship and our children. It cost me membership in a few bands, but family’s always been more important to me.

I can imagine how it could be different for others, because I have always avoided relationships with people who expect me to be something I’m not or to give up my interests. Musicians I’ve known with unsupportive partners can really bring down the whole band experience, especially when they ruin the spirit of their partner so they’re not able to contribute to the group at an appropriate level because they’re distracted or sad or whatever.

Thanks to my wife Erin for always understanding I need to fill my “music meter”. You’re the best and I couldn’t ask for someone more supportive or kind.

And thanks to Katie, Jasmine, and Danelle for being good to the other guys about the band. We’re a lucky bunch of fellas.

I’m going to livestream soon. Not sure what I’ll play, but I need to play something that others can hear/see.

The usual admonishments apply: Wear your mask. Black Lives Matter. Wash your hands. Keep your distance. Call your family.

And peace be the journey!

TMS

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