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Life Changes Through Life Changes

Life Changes Through Life Changes

So in my last post I talked about being divorced. I know that a lot of great art comes from pain, and I think that some of my best songs arrived via the “pain train”, but there’s also a lot of utter shit that comes from drawing inspiration in something so emotional. I can think back on at least a few songs that were overly sentimental or really heavy-handed dealing with tough emotions. I consider that a problem I have – wielding the pain as more of a sledgehammer rather than a gentle brush. I think the time and perspective that comes from being out of the bad part of the situation (while things are still falling apart) can really work toward expressing something interesting if you’re brave enough to revisit it after the fact with a little perspective.

Of course, I’m nowhere near that phase yet – this is all pretty new and raw. I’m just exploring the concept of making adult friends who might turn into more special friends. Putting myself out there and actually dating for the first time in my life, really…because every relationship I’ve had has been one of convenience – we were in close proximity, we liked each other, things happened…boom – relationship. I’m trying to break this pattern and figure out who the heck I am, because honestly, I have no idea. Removed from being “Heather’s husband”, I’m not really sure who I am. I know that my physical changes (lost 20 lbs, grew about 20 lbs of hair) have garnered a higher level of female attention than I expected, but I’m honestly still in mourning of my life as I lived it for thirteen-plus years.

It’s been a running theme on this blog about me never actually getting my solo acoustic act off the ground, and one thing that has come from the therapy and other things I’ve been through the past few years is the discovery/acceptance that I have serious self-worth issues, mostly because I don’t ever give myself the credit I deserve. Not as a person, producer, performer, musician, or songwriter. Not even as a father sometimes (that one’s improved a lot, even with my departure from the home…I know I’m a good dad, and I do my best to be there for them as much as I can under the circumstances.) I think perhaps the reason the acoustic thing has never happened isn’t just laziness, it’s also a subconscious self-hate campaign my psyche has been playing on me for years – that I shouldn’t book it because why would I subject people to my singing and playing? What makes me think I can entertain people with just my voice and guitar.

Well, I’ve finally accepted that it’s a shitty way to live, bowing down to some imaginary judgment that hasn’t even happened. The fact is, when I’m emotionally clear and healthy, I know I’m a better singer/guitarist/entertainer than most people who do the solo acoustic thing out there. Sadly, I’m just not usually emotionally clear or healthy. As that improves, so will my confidence. But so far that hasn’t really happened, so I’ve decided it’s time to fake it until I make it.

The first faux-confidence display will happen this coming Wednesday, February 12th, when I join my friends Paul and Greg for a gig with our little ragtag trio, “Audio Time Machine” (ATM). I think it’s going to be a really fun show, and I know that I have a bunch of people who have said they are coming to hang out, which is awesome. Friendly audiences are always confidence-boosters. And right now, my sad little brain needs all the help it can get.

But back to the songwriting. It’s weird – it’s been so long since I really wrote a SONG that I’ve almost forgotten how to do it. I’ve been collecting a lot of riffs and musical ideas over the past few years, but nothing seems to every really coalesce into something complete. It’s scatterbrained and seems relatively indicative of how I’ve lived my musical life for the past few years – just taking things as they come with no set plan or organization. This sort of informality can be good to reduce stress levels, but all it does is render everything you do as sort of half-assed. I think that’s why no clear SONGS have come together. And I’m sure that’s part of the reason that in my performing musician life there haven’t been any Roman Holiday gigs since last June. Audio Time Machine is very informal so that takes basically no effort, but we go for long stretches without playing shows. And my sad little brain needs to be playing shows. It’s a really important part of my happiness as a human walking the planet.

So it’s time for me to organize this part of my life a little bit and really make it happen. Get my new solo website together (brianvsings.com) instead of just having it point here (which it does for now). Get my songlist together and start really tightening up my performances of the songs – make them full of feeling, personal, relatable, and very memorable for the audiences. Maybe have some stones and see if I can launch my little act by performing for my day job co-workers in our facility’s live music lounge for happy hour or something. There’s a bunch of built-in fans who like to get drunk after work! (Heck, they like to get drunk AT work sometimes…)

So hold me to it, people. If you see that I haven’t made major moves on this stuff in the next few months, give me crap about it. I deserve it!

Thanks for reading and peace be the journey!
TMS

So I’ve been absent for a long time, and there’s a decent reason…

So I’ve been absent for a long time, and there’s a decent reason…

I got divorced.

Yup. Your faithful servant is now The SINGLE Musical Schizo. No worries, though, it’s very amicable and the ex and I get along splendidly. One of the things that this might actually open up is that I’ll have a little bit more time to focus on musical pursuits, but so far I haven’t really done that. In fact, I haven’t played a show since October. It’s driving me CRAZY! The good news is that I have a show on February 12th (Stompin’ Grounds Grill on Anderson Mill Rd in Austin), so that little drought will come to an end.

Speaking of droughts, I haven’t written a song in a terribly long time. The emotions of what I’ve been through the past couple of years are way too intense to try and turn into art just yet, but I’m hoping with a little perspective and distance that it will give me some good material.

One thing that is interesting to me is the concept of being a gigging performer that isn’t married. I’ve never experienced that. I’m wondering what sort of extracurricular fun that will bring. I’m not one of those musicians who started playing to impress girls – in fact, I’ve never understood that, because I’ve always done music for music – but there’s a distinct possibility that girls, or better yet, women, will be impressed with my musical performance. I already look more the part of “the guy in the band” now that I’ve grown out my hair (It’s almost as long as it’s ever been, actually), so that might bring some fodder for future blog posts, too.

I’m going to be a better, more consistent blogger this year, and really turn this into a place for good commentary and perspective on music from a part-time professional musician.

Thanks for everything, and peace be the journey!
TMS

TRIUMPH!

TRIUMPH!

And I’m not talking about the band, no matter how awesome they are. Saturday night’s gig with Roman Holiday was a triumph. It was a fun show, everything worked (well, once we swapped out the power amp on the mains), we all played well, and the trainwrecks were minimal, which is amazing considering we literally played together ONCE since our October gig. Playing with Ned and Lee is like breathing. I love those guys. I sang well (for the most part – Don’t Stop Believin’ and Sweet Child O’ Mine were a little “raga” at times), I played bass REALLY well, and we were a machine. Plus we had awesome people come out and see us, and amazingly, one of the people had been friends at different times in different cities with two of the others and somehow managed to see each of them for the first time in decades. It was a freaky reunion! But I’m so happy that it happened on such a great night.

I’ve placed an ad on Craigslist to try and finally get an original band off the ground. I decided I want to go for something like Fountains Of Wayne – power pop with a sort of modern edge. I’ve had three good responses. One guy has stepped back after hearing my music and saying we’re not a fit, which is fine. Still waiting to hear back from the other two. If for whatever reason I don’t manage to meet anyone to get the band going, I’ll figure out a different strategy and maybe book a few shows and hire some mercenaries.

I still need to get my solo acoustic thing off the ground…just have to finalize a song list, record some new demos more indicative of my current skill level, and start hounding venues for shows. It will happen this time, though. I need to establish as many revenue streams as possible because I need to make more money, and I don’t imagine seeing any sort of bump in salary for my day job. I might actually start trying to teach guitar or bass because that’s another way to make money with music. So if you have anyone who wants to learn the basics of guitar or bass, or even basic music theory as it relates to composition, send them my way.

Thanks to my Roman Holiday bandmates and our friends for helping make Saturday a triumphant return. If you’d like to see more from us, come see us in South Austin (FOR THE FIRST TIME PUBLICLY) at Third Base on March 15th. Hopefully there’s more to come in that department, and with MY music, and as a solo artist. We shall see.

It’s all happening!
TMS

2013: The Year Of Promise

2013: The Year Of Promise

SO…hello, faithful denizens of Schizoland. I appreciate the time you give to this blog. I know I don’t demand much of you because I almost never write here. I think this year will be the year that changes that. Recording my feelings about my life as a musician on a regular basis will give me some stability and perhaps even a little discipline.
A few major happenings in my life as a musician…I haven’t been gigging at all since I left Capital Suspects. Roman Holiday had literally one show after August, which really rocked. The good part about all this is that there has been a lot of turmoil in other aspects of my life, so having nothing going on in music land was very timely.

So on to 2013…”The Year Of Promise”

Roman Holiday WILL be coming back in 2013 so long as Mr. Ned still wants to do it (I already know Mr. Lee is most certainly in). In addition to that, there exists potential for a few DEADLY power trios involving your humble servant (me) coming to rip your local venue apart. Most likely at least one will involve some really great rocking music. I’m also finally going to get my acoustic act going after 10 years of talking about it. I’m dubbing it “The Musical Schizo” and will hopefully be securing some sort of regular gigs at venues near my home (so my friends down here in South Austin can come see me). It may or may not be just me or me with someone else…but I guarantee it will be both diverse, familiar, and very fun.

I make no promises about original music this year outside of stuff with the power trios, because I’m converting the home studio into a bedroom for my boy. Hopefully by summer I’ll be able to have something to replace it squared away (perhaps an air-conditioned space in the garage).

So please root for me this year. I need all the help I can get to make “The Year Of Promise” be more than just promise. And thanks for reading, and Happy New Year!

TMS

A 4th Of July post

A 4th Of July post

Just because it’s 1:42 PM and I’m home on a Wednesday, I figured it’d be cool to make a little blog post about my musical pursuits. First, a happy 4th of July to my American readers. I hope you have the day off, too. Happy birthday to my musical brother Caleb Rose (aka Salib Ali Baba from Jive Town Jimmy and the Knights of the Purple Cadillac). Now to musical stuff.

I was going through my book I keep of lyrics for songs that I perform acoustically (as rare as that particular event happens to be), and I happened upon some songs I thought I still knew. Sadly, there were chunks missing. I’ve always had a very good musical memory, so I started to play through the tunes and eventually figured out most of what was missing (I think), but the fact that it was even absent made me wonder if I’m starting to lose that skill, that steel trap of a brain that remembers how things go even if I haven’t even thought about the song in years. Probably not, but as I age, I don’t feel as fleet on the fingerboard as I once did. I sweat profusely from pretty much the first lifting of equipment before a show all the way through the end of the show, no matter what the temperature or how I’m dressed. Even though I haven’t been cursed with the graying or the loss of any hair, I think I’m finally getting a little old. Of course, that’s okay. It’s just a weird thing for someone who likes to play pop music, which is so focused on youth and vitality, to start to feel old.

Of course, then I think about the guys I see in “grandpa bands” having fun while being stunningly boring, and I realize it’s what you make of it. Who cares if you’re feeling old? Just rock out the way you know how and to the limit of your ability, and you’re still serving your audience and yourself, and being honest. I still endeavor to put on a high-energy show with Roman Holiday, and being the youngest dude in the band (and the most mobile), it’s my job to do my part to keep it moving. Thankfully I have two great foils in Ned and Lee, who both love cranking up the energy level.

As for writing and recording music, if I can get everything cleaned up and rearranged in the studio to foster creativity, then I think I’ll be able to make some progress. I recently acquired an electronic drum kit that sounds great and has USB so I can record parts into the computer more easily (and fix them because I’m a shitty drummer). Once everything is moved around a bit and streamlined, it’ll be a place where I can finally bring all the old songs to life the way I hear them in my head and hopefully write some better, newer songs that represent who I am now. As I finish projects, I’ll start releasing them on iTunes, Rhapsody, and stuff like that. But I have to finish stuff for that to happen. We will get there. 🙂

Thanks for reading, and have a great 4th of July!
TMS

So what do you want to do?

So what do you want to do?

This is a question that’s been plaguing me for quite some time now. I’ve been relatively content just kind of dragging along playing covers for the past twelve years, never really succeeding in making time for my own music. I’m not sure if it’s a defense mechanism of some sort (you can’t fail if you don’t try) or if it’s just the fact that I’m not very organized and I’m a husband and a father of two children. At times I’ve kicked around various original ideas, and I’ve written about 20 songs in the past decade, but when you compare that to my output before 2002 (and before children), it’s been literally decimated. Again, I’m not sure if this is a result of poor planning or fear of creation. It’s probably a mixture of both. Navigating a metaphorical path back to being creative is something I’d like to achieve sometime in the near future, but I’m not really sure what type of creativity I really wish to pursue. Do I want to write more songs? Do I want to take the songs I’ve written and complete my first album? (Obviously I could do both.) Is the reason I’ve had so much trouble with writing a result of crippling self-editing or a genuine lack of inspiration? Is the creativity I want to reach once more even musical? Do I want to pursue my love for comedy as a stand-up? Or is there something else out there that will allow me to express myself artistically?

It all boils down to this question, which I keep asking myself: “So what do you want to do?” Right now, I really have no idea. Roman Holiday is about to get busy, with a pile of dates booked. Four shows at Carlos & Charlie’s this summer, Two booked up in Temple at The Green Door, and a bunch of private parties. I know we want to take the band’s live show to the next level (it’s good now, but it could be better), so I know that’s going to be sapping some of my creative energy as we work our way towards that goal. For sure it will take my TIME because there are a lot of cool party-type things we’ve been meaning to add to the show, and that will be the plan over the next month and a half or so.

I’m going to do my best to capture whatever ideas and inspiration I have and write it down or record it so I don’t lose it. Even if it doesn’t end up being something useful or usable, the very discipline of capturing these ideas might lead me on the path back to being a creative person again. Thanks for reading!

TMS

Life’s “noise”

Life’s “noise”

I haven’t been inspired to write anything in a long time. I’ve sat down on so many occasions, trying to some up with something neat, and I think maybe I’ve written one riff/chord progression that might become a song at some point in the last six months. It drives me up the wall, because I used to be such a prolific writer. Of course, that was a LONG time ago (we’re talking over a decade), and before I had a family, so my life was quite different and I was not the same person then. I was lonely. I had a lot of time on my hands. Now I have almost no time on my hands, and the time I have, whenever I try to do something musical, just makes me sad because I can’t seem to come up with anything. I think my mind is suffering from a lot of “noise”. My day job isn’t inherently stressful, but I make it that way because I care far too much about it. I have a really weird focus when it comes to certain things, and my reactions to life seem sort of out of whack. I get really mad and frustrated at little things that are often out of my control, and am almost numb and emotionless when things more important to me or life in general go wrong that were in my power to shape. I haven’t been able to figure out why this is, or how to change this upside-down way I react to things, but at least I recognize it’s there, which is the first step to dealing with it.

This relates to music because this noise is drowning out creation and inspiration. There have been times when I have felt truly inspired in the last year – one day when I took the morning off I wrote a song. It came really fast and seemed really good. Now when I listen to it, it’s basically way too wordy to work, though I still LOVE the chord progression and feel. I just have to modify/rewrite the melody it to make it workable, and I haven’t been able to muster the energy to do it. I have a lot of older songs that basically need new words (the music is great), but I haven’t been able to find anything I really want to say that doesn’t sound forced or cliche. It’s kind of driving me nuts, because the words have always been EASIER than the music for me. Maybe it was just that I didn’t care as much about them then, and kind of let whatever come out come out, but it’s still frustrating. Sometimes they turned out really well (especially on the songs I wrote from 2004-2006), other times, well, I’m embarrassed to even sing them now. Considering how I feel about lyrics, and how much more important they’ve become to me as I’ve grown older, I think the combination of the aforementioned “noise of life” and my own paralyzing self-editing are crippling my creativity.

So what is the way out of this? I honestly don’t know. If you read this and have any good ideas, I’d appreciate them. But I will eventually find something that inspires me and allows me to create. I think I’ve mentioned before how much the setup and cleanliness of my studio frustrate me now. I definitely need to find a way to reorganize it so that it’s more functional. I also need to get rid of a lot of crap that lives in my garage and set up a comfortable place for have people over to jam, because I think I derive a bunch of inspiration from just jamming out ideas with people. Maybe I can put together a band and shape my existing songs, because that might inspire some writing as well. All I know is that playing in the cover band is fun and easy, and has been quite a salve for the pain of not being creative when we’ve had regular gigs. I just need to make the time to play more, get together with the guys a little more, even if we don’t have gigs, and maybe even explore some other fun musical projects with some friends with whom I haven’t yet really had the chance to work.

Thanks for reading this long message…although I doubt anyone would get this far, if you have, you’re a special person and I am grateful. I have an art show gig with Roman Holiday at the end of the month that should be fun, and hopefully a rehearsal or two before that, so things should be ramping up in that regard. We also should be booking our spring/summer shows soon, so knowing we’ve got stuff coming up will be a good cure to the winter doldrums.

It’s been really rainy the past few days, and it feels like we’re in Seattle. The upside of this is the cedar and mold pollen are pretty mellow right now, so my allergies aren’t screwing me up and making it so I can’t sing as well as I know I can. I do need to practice that more so I can improve my consistency and control, but when is that not the case? Singing is really fun. On that note, and as a followup to my last blog, I haven’t heard a peep from the Capital Suspects guys, so I’m not sure what’s up with that. I guess they don’t need me to fill in…which is okay. I hope they find someone great for their position, but I did have a lot of fun being “The Singer” for a night.

Happy New Year and all my best in 2012!
TMS

So, no new work on the album…

So, no new work on the album…

But the dead band came back to life this past weekend, and we had a great show.

It’s kind of amazing that we could go four months without playing together and sound better than we did the last time we had a show. Weird…but seems to be par for the course.

I was just happy my voice didn’t give out and my hands made it through the show.

Love to all – hopefully more to come on album #1 here soon. I’m kind of inspired, so let’s see if that translates into some new songs that are better than the crap I originally wanted to put on the record. Pieces!

TMS

Inspiration

Inspiration

I find inspiration in the weirdest places – it could be a touching scene from a movie, the look on a child’s face, a fruit display in a grocery store…it really doesn’t matter.

The challenge I have is taking that inspiration and turning it into something before I destroy myself with self-editing.

Too many songwriters participate in the folly of denying their gift.

Even if what’s coming out is crap, you should let it out. There is time later for editing and fixing things – turning them into something great. Let the inspiration take you to a place that allows you to create – don’t crap all over an idea before you allow it to come to fruition, or you will end up dazzlingly unsatisfied with your ability to create, and with a healthy helping of writer’s block, because you’ve gotten into a pattern of intentionally blocking inspiration because you’re judging it before its job is done.

Being open to everything gives you far more material from which you can create a masterpiece (at least for you – we can’t all be Lennon and McCartney or Randy Newman).

Personally, I’ve been working past my inherent need to self-edit when it comes to songwriting, and it’s freed me up a lot. Getting ideas out is much easier when you aren’t artistically constipated by your own fears that it “won’t be cool enough” or “won’t be good enough”.

Considering how happy I’ve been with my wife and family, it’s been hard to write things that are emotionally raw, because they feel sort of dishonest (as I’m not really sad) – but we all have things in our lives that drive us to create. And we all have topics that we find easier to write about than others. Heartbreak is an easy and obvious one. Concern and pain for someone you love is another less obvious choice, but that often comes across as preachy. Writing about a subject works well, but only if you’re a good storyteller or good at description.

Basically it all comes down to allowing something to move you to the point that it creates musical inspiration, whether it be a cool chord progression (I’ve always been fond of the motion and tension of C#m-A-E-G#7), some assholes you know (see the song “Miserable Bastard“), certain world leaders, or just your favorite bass or guitar.

Don’t kill inspiration before it has a chance to take bloom. That’s my songwriting tip of the week.
TMS

Welcome!

Welcome!

I Just wanted to welcome everyone to my new Musical Schizo blog.

In this blog I’ll introduce new songs, talk about inspirations for my songwriting, reveal the methods I use for writing and recording my compositions, and share “war stories” about my various gigs around Austin and elsewhere.

I hope you will enjoy it as much as I will creating it!