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Thoughts on “Artistry”

Thoughts on “Artistry”

(note – Just some thoughts. I wrote this piece back in March, but am finally publishing it now. Not sure why I never hit publish.)

As someone who has spent the majority of his musical life as background music for people getting drunk, it’s hard for me to relate to what it must be like to actually create music as art. Sure, I’ve written my fair share of songs, and I have pretty strong opinions on what I like and don’t like about things I and others have created, but I’ve never seen myself as an artist, or my work as artistry.

I wonder sometimes if that’s just me avoiding actually putting myself out there for judgment or if it’s putting art on a pedestal, or a mix of both. I definitely am proud of some of the stuff I’ve created, and I’m definitely proud of some of the ways I’ve put my stamp on other people’s work through my experience in cover bands of various types.

I’m inherently not a precious person when it comes to creating musical things, which is to my detriment, I think. I do believe I’d have something to offer as an artist. I just carry this inbuilt suspicion and animosity toward the very act of being precious, with the notable exception that I’m all in if it’s an artist I love – they can be as precious as they feel they need to be and I’m still eating it up. But I wonder if it really does come down to fear that nothing I could ever do would measure up to the things that I like.

Stepping away from music for a bit – when I was first creating audio productions, long before I worked in radio production, I was very particular about things being “just so”. I really crafted the things I created with a lot of care. When I started making commercials, I would do the same, and take tons of time just trying to get them perfect. Once I worked in radio production full time, I learned that I simply did not have enough time to spend hours on one 30-second commercial. I really had to speed it up to get things done. Then I became a production director all by myself, and had no time to be precious about it – I just had to get things done.

One might think I’d be able to carry over that “get it done” attitude to music, but the lack of hard deadlines in music has kept me from really feeling like I’ve ever accomplished anything. People flog the “art is never finished, only abandoned” cliche, but it is a real trap if you think you can keep working on something forever. That’s what I’ve been doing with a lot of my own music. Nothing feels good enough for me, and almost every time I’ve shared something, it’s mostly met with indifference, which reinforces the idea that I’m simply not doing anything interesting. Which is largely true, if I’m being brutally honest with myself. I have my retread pop punk-style songs, and my retread power pop songs and my retread sort of singer-songwritery songs. Nothing is all that “me”.

I grapple with the whole “me” thing as a writer. It reminds me of a time in high school. I was doing my normal thing of talking in every voice but my own (doing accents and characters and basically being a teenage Dana Carvey wannabe) and my best friend Brandon had grown tired of my antics, grabbed me, and said, “What do YOU sound like?” It’s funny how much that resonated. It went far beyond just doing a surfer dude voice followed by a fey German accent. It sticks in my head to this day, but it’s morphed into something even bigger. Perhaps even something menacing for me as a creator. What do I sound like? Honestly, I’ve been avoiding that for years, mostly because every time I create something, I really hate what I sound like when I’m not basically doing a style impression of some other artist I admire. Who am I kidding? I hate that, too, because it’s not original!

Which brings me to the whole point of this spiel: Artistry. How does one define it? I struggle with it all the time, because I feel like 25 years playing in cover bands has basically robbed me of any artistry of my own. I am a pretty complete musician, because I’ve played many different genres of music and can slide into most musical situations quite comfortably, but I never feel like an artist or feel like anything I do is truly artistic. I’ve gotten close to it from time to time, especially during improvisational performances at jam nights, and coming up with parts to complement the crazy ways we redo things in Chandler and The Bings, but with the music I’ve composed, I don’t know that I’ve ever gotten there, to a place where I’d consider it art. I’ve definitely tried.

Thanks for reading!
TMS

The Dangerfields, Solo shows, keyboard, fitness, etc.

The Dangerfields, Solo shows, keyboard, fitness, etc.

Updates:

The Dangerfields are still in progress, and we’ve played one more show since my last post. Okay, that’s not really accurate, because it’s not The Dangerfields, really if Lee isn’t playing drums. But it was a nice try, although an overally unpleasant experience for a variety of reasons. (Kudos to Ernie for filling in and doing a good job) We’ve had a couple of rehearsals since then and the last one was very inspiring – we’re starting to sound like a BAND – which is really good. Finding time to schedule shows around our lives and Lee’s other band is the next trick, but we’ll get to that. So life is good in the world of no respect. 🙂

I booked a few more solo shows at Scoreboard, and I’m very excited to be back there. I’m going to try and make my PA and light rig even more simple for easier setup-teardown, which is a delightful challenge.

I bought a Korg X50 synth at a pawn shop, and it’s already inspiring me with its sounds. I’m excited to become a better keyboardist, and I might even learn some songs on it for the solo gigs. Wouldn’t that be weird?

Finally, I’m back at the gym on a regular basis. Time to get in shape and stay in shape. It’s already making my joints feel better, and once I’ve worked out a way to eat better with my weird sensory food issues on top of the regular gym activity, I’ll get lighter and will be able to start exercising a little harder.

I have been inspired to improve my overall musicianship, but I also really want to tap into whatever emotions are flowing through me now. I’m very happy with my life in general – my work is pleasant, my home situation is awesome, and I feel very loved. And that sort of peace usually keeps me from being all that expressive with music – I just don’t write all that much. I have had some serious moments of worry and pain, though, with family far away, first from Hurricane Matthew (everyone is okay, but it was scary), and then through a friend’s loss this past weekend.

One of my best friends in the world, both musically and non-musically, just lost his brother. I can’t really imagine the emotions he’s feeling, but it’s made me very, very sad, because his brother was always such an encouraging spirit, supporting our musical endeavors and really just showing us “the love”. If I ever had to do a crying scene in a movie, I’d think about losing one of my brothers – the very idea is that level of pain for me, and I wish there was something I could do to help my friend through this horrible time.

I wish there was a way to express it as well as I think Neil Peart and Rush did on this song:

The world will miss you, Darin.

Peace be the journey, all!
TMS

A Pause for Relocation

A Pause for Relocation

So my lovely girlfriend and I are moving into a house together soon, (cue the Bon Jovi song…) and I’m super excited so I’ll have a lot more space for music creation! WHEE! But until we get moved and settled, I won’t be doing much recording.

BUT, there is hope on the horizon for gigging, so I’m excited about that. More on that to come.

I hope everyone has a wonderful 2016. I appreciate your attention and your support, and this year should be a big one for me and music, so hopefully I’ll make some stuff that will make you happy.

Peace be the journey!
TMS

So the progress continues…

So the progress continues…

Last night I was able to work up most of my song called “Miserable Bastard” into a full-band arrangement. The bass parts and vocals are just scratch versions at this point and everything needs more work (I want to compose a better bass part that has some more “movement”), but I’m satisfied with how things are progressing.

There’s another song I just wrote (a couple of days after “Way Too Long Of A While”) that I’m still working on, and that one might be next to be recorded…but there are others I still want to finish or rework, so who knows.

I’m just happy I’m getting things together for once. Now I have to get some acoustic gigs and get a new power trio together with Lee (Roman Holiday bandmate/drummer). I miss fronting an actual band.

Thanks for keeping up and HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope you all have a prosperous and wonderful 2016.
TMS

NEW SONG! Yep, it’s finally happened…

NEW SONG! Yep, it’s finally happened…

My long personal nightmare is over: I’m writing again! And this is a pretty dang cool feeling…

The first song I’m sharing is a song that is very close to my heart. I decided to try and dig deep and “feel all the feels” as some might say, and this new one is the result. This one makes me cry. It also doesn’t sound much like anything else I’ve ever recorded, so it might be kind of shocking (especially vocally). Go with me here and don’t carry any prejudices – this is 100% from my heart.

It’s called “Way Too Long Of A While”:

It comes on the heels of spending some time with my family that I love deeply and miss terribly because I live over 1000 miles away (or more). It’s actually a fairly simple concept, inspired by my internal conflict of feeling sad because I’m far away, but really loving the life I’ve got aside from the distance from “home” (which to me isn’t a place, but rather the five other members of my family – my mom, dad, and three younger brothers).

Thanks for listening, and watch this space for more!
TMS

So my blogging is probably going to become more frequent…

So my blogging is probably going to become more frequent…

As I now have a fun little portable device that will allow me to easily type and share stuff from my new iPad Mini (thanks for the hand-me-down, Heather!)

I got a case that has an integrated keyboard that is very small but actually quite functional, with real keys instead of being all rubbery.

So now to the updates…
I’m theoretically back with Capital Suspects once our schedules more properly align, which makes me very happy.

I’ve been filling in here and there with Texas Players, which has been a learning experience.

I’m now down a venue for my solo acoustic act, as 121 On Main closed a couple of weeks ago. Fortunately I’ve gotten a few bookings through Stargazer Live, which is nice – Cord’s been good to me and I appreciate it. I need to come up with a proper game plan for getting regular work down in my part of town, maybe even a weekly or bi-weekly show. Anyone with ideas on good venues where you’ve seen solo acoustic performers down south or Downtown, please send me a message and let me know.

The biggest news, I guess, is that I think I’m going to start doing some real recording again. I’m revisiting some old songs and song ideas I’ve saved on my phone and I think that there’s a lot of promise there. I think I’ll be able to easily hack some of the stuff into workable, good little tunes. Once they’re suitable for public consumption I’ll share them, but not before then. I’ve got enough half-assed shit out there on the net already. 🙂

Thanks for reading and look out for more soon!
TMS

So I played two shows and then…

So I played two shows and then…

BUPKIS.

Now, things are looking really good for getting back in there (I’m literally texting with the booking agent in between typing sentences here), but it’s still frustrating because I really wanted to make this a very regular thing – at least once a month, preferably two or three times. It’s SO MUCH FUN and the extra cash is very helpful. 🙂

On other fronts, I’m trying to work out scheduling to sing some backing vocals for my friend’s first album, which is terrifying and exciting all rolled into one. I don’t consider myself much of a singer, which is probably silly, since I’ve been doing it in front of people for money on a regular basis now for 16 years, but it’s the fact that I’m not properly trained that keeps me from feeling good about my singing. I know I could be better. I even want to take lessons. Financially that hasn’t been an option.

I did get a promotion at the day job, which is nice, since it came with some extra scratch, which will make the solo gig money even more spendable. Perhaps on things like vocal lessons. 🙂

I’ve stalled at creating new music…but I am definitely feeling like it’s time to record some stuff. My main recording computer cooked a power supply last weekend, and fortunately that’s all that cooked, so after a $30 replacement it’s back up and running, but it scared me. I’m a creative person that hasn’t been creating, and that makes me feel like a fraud. I need to DO SOME SHIT. So I will.

And hopefully it’ll be worthy of posting here in Bloggington.

Peace, love, and good happiness stuff…
TMS

Life Changes Through Life Changes

Life Changes Through Life Changes

So in my last post I talked about being divorced. I know that a lot of great art comes from pain, and I think that some of my best songs arrived via the “pain train”, but there’s also a lot of utter shit that comes from drawing inspiration in something so emotional. I can think back on at least a few songs that were overly sentimental or really heavy-handed dealing with tough emotions. I consider that a problem I have – wielding the pain as more of a sledgehammer rather than a gentle brush. I think the time and perspective that comes from being out of the bad part of the situation (while things are still falling apart) can really work toward expressing something interesting if you’re brave enough to revisit it after the fact with a little perspective.

Of course, I’m nowhere near that phase yet – this is all pretty new and raw. I’m just exploring the concept of making adult friends who might turn into more special friends. Putting myself out there and actually dating for the first time in my life, really…because every relationship I’ve had has been one of convenience – we were in close proximity, we liked each other, things happened…boom – relationship. I’m trying to break this pattern and figure out who the heck I am, because honestly, I have no idea. Removed from being “Heather’s husband”, I’m not really sure who I am. I know that my physical changes (lost 20 lbs, grew about 20 lbs of hair) have garnered a higher level of female attention than I expected, but I’m honestly still in mourning of my life as I lived it for thirteen-plus years.

It’s been a running theme on this blog about me never actually getting my solo acoustic act off the ground, and one thing that has come from the therapy and other things I’ve been through the past few years is the discovery/acceptance that I have serious self-worth issues, mostly because I don’t ever give myself the credit I deserve. Not as a person, producer, performer, musician, or songwriter. Not even as a father sometimes (that one’s improved a lot, even with my departure from the home…I know I’m a good dad, and I do my best to be there for them as much as I can under the circumstances.) I think perhaps the reason the acoustic thing has never happened isn’t just laziness, it’s also a subconscious self-hate campaign my psyche has been playing on me for years – that I shouldn’t book it because why would I subject people to my singing and playing? What makes me think I can entertain people with just my voice and guitar.

Well, I’ve finally accepted that it’s a shitty way to live, bowing down to some imaginary judgment that hasn’t even happened. The fact is, when I’m emotionally clear and healthy, I know I’m a better singer/guitarist/entertainer than most people who do the solo acoustic thing out there. Sadly, I’m just not usually emotionally clear or healthy. As that improves, so will my confidence. But so far that hasn’t really happened, so I’ve decided it’s time to fake it until I make it.

The first faux-confidence display will happen this coming Wednesday, February 12th, when I join my friends Paul and Greg for a gig with our little ragtag trio, “Audio Time Machine” (ATM). I think it’s going to be a really fun show, and I know that I have a bunch of people who have said they are coming to hang out, which is awesome. Friendly audiences are always confidence-boosters. And right now, my sad little brain needs all the help it can get.

But back to the songwriting. It’s weird – it’s been so long since I really wrote a SONG that I’ve almost forgotten how to do it. I’ve been collecting a lot of riffs and musical ideas over the past few years, but nothing seems to every really coalesce into something complete. It’s scatterbrained and seems relatively indicative of how I’ve lived my musical life for the past few years – just taking things as they come with no set plan or organization. This sort of informality can be good to reduce stress levels, but all it does is render everything you do as sort of half-assed. I think that’s why no clear SONGS have come together. And I’m sure that’s part of the reason that in my performing musician life there haven’t been any Roman Holiday gigs since last June. Audio Time Machine is very informal so that takes basically no effort, but we go for long stretches without playing shows. And my sad little brain needs to be playing shows. It’s a really important part of my happiness as a human walking the planet.

So it’s time for me to organize this part of my life a little bit and really make it happen. Get my new solo website together (brianvsings.com) instead of just having it point here (which it does for now). Get my songlist together and start really tightening up my performances of the songs – make them full of feeling, personal, relatable, and very memorable for the audiences. Maybe have some stones and see if I can launch my little act by performing for my day job co-workers in our facility’s live music lounge for happy hour or something. There’s a bunch of built-in fans who like to get drunk after work! (Heck, they like to get drunk AT work sometimes…)

So hold me to it, people. If you see that I haven’t made major moves on this stuff in the next few months, give me crap about it. I deserve it!

Thanks for reading and peace be the journey!
TMS

So I’ve been absent for a long time, and there’s a decent reason…

So I’ve been absent for a long time, and there’s a decent reason…

I got divorced.

Yup. Your faithful servant is now The SINGLE Musical Schizo. No worries, though, it’s very amicable and the ex and I get along splendidly. One of the things that this might actually open up is that I’ll have a little bit more time to focus on musical pursuits, but so far I haven’t really done that. In fact, I haven’t played a show since October. It’s driving me CRAZY! The good news is that I have a show on February 12th (Stompin’ Grounds Grill on Anderson Mill Rd in Austin), so that little drought will come to an end.

Speaking of droughts, I haven’t written a song in a terribly long time. The emotions of what I’ve been through the past couple of years are way too intense to try and turn into art just yet, but I’m hoping with a little perspective and distance that it will give me some good material.

One thing that is interesting to me is the concept of being a gigging performer that isn’t married. I’ve never experienced that. I’m wondering what sort of extracurricular fun that will bring. I’m not one of those musicians who started playing to impress girls – in fact, I’ve never understood that, because I’ve always done music for music – but there’s a distinct possibility that girls, or better yet, women, will be impressed with my musical performance. I already look more the part of “the guy in the band” now that I’ve grown out my hair (It’s almost as long as it’s ever been, actually), so that might bring some fodder for future blog posts, too.

I’m going to be a better, more consistent blogger this year, and really turn this into a place for good commentary and perspective on music from a part-time professional musician.

Thanks for everything, and peace be the journey!
TMS

Holy poo…it’s been a while!

Holy poo…it’s been a while!

Sorry it’s been so long since the last post…there have been a lot of non-musical things going on (and the previously-mentioned Roman Holiday stuff. Gigs for the most part have been good… They updated the software on the POD HD500 finally and I’ve been using that at the last few shows, which is cool. They finally included a bass amp model, so I can get a really great bass tone out of it. I’ve been using the headset mic extensively, and it’s been good. I actually don’t mind looking like a dweeb to my “cool” friends because the freedom is completely worth it. I did write most of a song the other day, and I’ve come up with some great ideas that I think will become songs, so that is nice as well. Once the partial song is completed in decent demo format I will post it here. I’m pretty excited I wrote something. Well, off to get ready for tonight’s show…and to perhaps feed my children… Hopefully my next update won’t take almost three months.
TMS