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NEW SONG! Yep, it’s finally happened…

NEW SONG! Yep, it’s finally happened…

My long personal nightmare is over: I’m writing again! And this is a pretty dang cool feeling…

The first song I’m sharing is a song that is very close to my heart. I decided to try and dig deep and “feel all the feels” as some might say, and this new one is the result. This one makes me cry. It also doesn’t sound much like anything else I’ve ever recorded, so it might be kind of shocking (especially vocally). Go with me here and don’t carry any prejudices – this is 100% from my heart.

It’s called “Way Too Long Of A While”:

It comes on the heels of spending some time with my family that I love deeply and miss terribly because I live over 1000 miles away (or more). It’s actually a fairly simple concept, inspired by my internal conflict of feeling sad because I’m far away, but really loving the life I’ve got aside from the distance from “home” (which to me isn’t a place, but rather the five other members of my family – my mom, dad, and three younger brothers).

Thanks for listening, and watch this space for more!
TMS

So my blogging is probably going to become more frequent…

So my blogging is probably going to become more frequent…

As I now have a fun little portable device that will allow me to easily type and share stuff from my new iPad Mini (thanks for the hand-me-down, Heather!)

I got a case that has an integrated keyboard that is very small but actually quite functional, with real keys instead of being all rubbery.

So now to the updates…
I’m theoretically back with Capital Suspects once our schedules more properly align, which makes me very happy.

I’ve been filling in here and there with Texas Players, which has been a learning experience.

I’m now down a venue for my solo acoustic act, as 121 On Main closed a couple of weeks ago. Fortunately I’ve gotten a few bookings through Stargazer Live, which is nice – Cord’s been good to me and I appreciate it. I need to come up with a proper game plan for getting regular work down in my part of town, maybe even a weekly or bi-weekly show. Anyone with ideas on good venues where you’ve seen solo acoustic performers down south or Downtown, please send me a message and let me know.

The biggest news, I guess, is that I think I’m going to start doing some real recording again. I’m revisiting some old songs and song ideas I’ve saved on my phone and I think that there’s a lot of promise there. I think I’ll be able to easily hack some of the stuff into workable, good little tunes. Once they’re suitable for public consumption I’ll share them, but not before then. I’ve got enough half-assed shit out there on the net already. 🙂

Thanks for reading and look out for more soon!
TMS

So I played two shows and then…

So I played two shows and then…

BUPKIS.

Now, things are looking really good for getting back in there (I’m literally texting with the booking agent in between typing sentences here), but it’s still frustrating because I really wanted to make this a very regular thing – at least once a month, preferably two or three times. It’s SO MUCH FUN and the extra cash is very helpful. 🙂

On other fronts, I’m trying to work out scheduling to sing some backing vocals for my friend’s first album, which is terrifying and exciting all rolled into one. I don’t consider myself much of a singer, which is probably silly, since I’ve been doing it in front of people for money on a regular basis now for 16 years, but it’s the fact that I’m not properly trained that keeps me from feeling good about my singing. I know I could be better. I even want to take lessons. Financially that hasn’t been an option.

I did get a promotion at the day job, which is nice, since it came with some extra scratch, which will make the solo gig money even more spendable. Perhaps on things like vocal lessons. 🙂

I’ve stalled at creating new music…but I am definitely feeling like it’s time to record some stuff. My main recording computer cooked a power supply last weekend, and fortunately that’s all that cooked, so after a $30 replacement it’s back up and running, but it scared me. I’m a creative person that hasn’t been creating, and that makes me feel like a fraud. I need to DO SOME SHIT. So I will.

And hopefully it’ll be worthy of posting here in Bloggington.

Peace, love, and good happiness stuff…
TMS

Life Changes Through Life Changes

Life Changes Through Life Changes

So in my last post I talked about being divorced. I know that a lot of great art comes from pain, and I think that some of my best songs arrived via the “pain train”, but there’s also a lot of utter shit that comes from drawing inspiration in something so emotional. I can think back on at least a few songs that were overly sentimental or really heavy-handed dealing with tough emotions. I consider that a problem I have – wielding the pain as more of a sledgehammer rather than a gentle brush. I think the time and perspective that comes from being out of the bad part of the situation (while things are still falling apart) can really work toward expressing something interesting if you’re brave enough to revisit it after the fact with a little perspective.

Of course, I’m nowhere near that phase yet – this is all pretty new and raw. I’m just exploring the concept of making adult friends who might turn into more special friends. Putting myself out there and actually dating for the first time in my life, really…because every relationship I’ve had has been one of convenience – we were in close proximity, we liked each other, things happened…boom – relationship. I’m trying to break this pattern and figure out who the heck I am, because honestly, I have no idea. Removed from being “Heather’s husband”, I’m not really sure who I am. I know that my physical changes (lost 20 lbs, grew about 20 lbs of hair) have garnered a higher level of female attention than I expected, but I’m honestly still in mourning of my life as I lived it for thirteen-plus years.

It’s been a running theme on this blog about me never actually getting my solo acoustic act off the ground, and one thing that has come from the therapy and other things I’ve been through the past few years is the discovery/acceptance that I have serious self-worth issues, mostly because I don’t ever give myself the credit I deserve. Not as a person, producer, performer, musician, or songwriter. Not even as a father sometimes (that one’s improved a lot, even with my departure from the home…I know I’m a good dad, and I do my best to be there for them as much as I can under the circumstances.) I think perhaps the reason the acoustic thing has never happened isn’t just laziness, it’s also a subconscious self-hate campaign my psyche has been playing on me for years – that I shouldn’t book it because why would I subject people to my singing and playing? What makes me think I can entertain people with just my voice and guitar.

Well, I’ve finally accepted that it’s a shitty way to live, bowing down to some imaginary judgment that hasn’t even happened. The fact is, when I’m emotionally clear and healthy, I know I’m a better singer/guitarist/entertainer than most people who do the solo acoustic thing out there. Sadly, I’m just not usually emotionally clear or healthy. As that improves, so will my confidence. But so far that hasn’t really happened, so I’ve decided it’s time to fake it until I make it.

The first faux-confidence display will happen this coming Wednesday, February 12th, when I join my friends Paul and Greg for a gig with our little ragtag trio, “Audio Time Machine” (ATM). I think it’s going to be a really fun show, and I know that I have a bunch of people who have said they are coming to hang out, which is awesome. Friendly audiences are always confidence-boosters. And right now, my sad little brain needs all the help it can get.

But back to the songwriting. It’s weird – it’s been so long since I really wrote a SONG that I’ve almost forgotten how to do it. I’ve been collecting a lot of riffs and musical ideas over the past few years, but nothing seems to every really coalesce into something complete. It’s scatterbrained and seems relatively indicative of how I’ve lived my musical life for the past few years – just taking things as they come with no set plan or organization. This sort of informality can be good to reduce stress levels, but all it does is render everything you do as sort of half-assed. I think that’s why no clear SONGS have come together. And I’m sure that’s part of the reason that in my performing musician life there haven’t been any Roman Holiday gigs since last June. Audio Time Machine is very informal so that takes basically no effort, but we go for long stretches without playing shows. And my sad little brain needs to be playing shows. It’s a really important part of my happiness as a human walking the planet.

So it’s time for me to organize this part of my life a little bit and really make it happen. Get my new solo website together (brianvsings.com) instead of just having it point here (which it does for now). Get my songlist together and start really tightening up my performances of the songs – make them full of feeling, personal, relatable, and very memorable for the audiences. Maybe have some stones and see if I can launch my little act by performing for my day job co-workers in our facility’s live music lounge for happy hour or something. There’s a bunch of built-in fans who like to get drunk after work! (Heck, they like to get drunk AT work sometimes…)

So hold me to it, people. If you see that I haven’t made major moves on this stuff in the next few months, give me crap about it. I deserve it!

Thanks for reading and peace be the journey!
TMS

So I’ve been absent for a long time, and there’s a decent reason…

So I’ve been absent for a long time, and there’s a decent reason…

I got divorced.

Yup. Your faithful servant is now The SINGLE Musical Schizo. No worries, though, it’s very amicable and the ex and I get along splendidly. One of the things that this might actually open up is that I’ll have a little bit more time to focus on musical pursuits, but so far I haven’t really done that. In fact, I haven’t played a show since October. It’s driving me CRAZY! The good news is that I have a show on February 12th (Stompin’ Grounds Grill on Anderson Mill Rd in Austin), so that little drought will come to an end.

Speaking of droughts, I haven’t written a song in a terribly long time. The emotions of what I’ve been through the past couple of years are way too intense to try and turn into art just yet, but I’m hoping with a little perspective and distance that it will give me some good material.

One thing that is interesting to me is the concept of being a gigging performer that isn’t married. I’ve never experienced that. I’m wondering what sort of extracurricular fun that will bring. I’m not one of those musicians who started playing to impress girls – in fact, I’ve never understood that, because I’ve always done music for music – but there’s a distinct possibility that girls, or better yet, women, will be impressed with my musical performance. I already look more the part of “the guy in the band” now that I’ve grown out my hair (It’s almost as long as it’s ever been, actually), so that might bring some fodder for future blog posts, too.

I’m going to be a better, more consistent blogger this year, and really turn this into a place for good commentary and perspective on music from a part-time professional musician.

Thanks for everything, and peace be the journey!
TMS

Holy poo…it’s been a while!

Holy poo…it’s been a while!

Sorry it’s been so long since the last post…there have been a lot of non-musical things going on (and the previously-mentioned Roman Holiday stuff. Gigs for the most part have been good… They updated the software on the POD HD500 finally and I’ve been using that at the last few shows, which is cool. They finally included a bass amp model, so I can get a really great bass tone out of it. I’ve been using the headset mic extensively, and it’s been good. I actually don’t mind looking like a dweeb to my “cool” friends because the freedom is completely worth it. I did write most of a song the other day, and I’ve come up with some great ideas that I think will become songs, so that is nice as well. Once the partial song is completed in decent demo format I will post it here. I’m pretty excited I wrote something. Well, off to get ready for tonight’s show…and to perhaps feed my children… Hopefully my next update won’t take almost three months.
TMS

Life’s “noise”

Life’s “noise”

I haven’t been inspired to write anything in a long time. I’ve sat down on so many occasions, trying to some up with something neat, and I think maybe I’ve written one riff/chord progression that might become a song at some point in the last six months. It drives me up the wall, because I used to be such a prolific writer. Of course, that was a LONG time ago (we’re talking over a decade), and before I had a family, so my life was quite different and I was not the same person then. I was lonely. I had a lot of time on my hands. Now I have almost no time on my hands, and the time I have, whenever I try to do something musical, just makes me sad because I can’t seem to come up with anything. I think my mind is suffering from a lot of “noise”. My day job isn’t inherently stressful, but I make it that way because I care far too much about it. I have a really weird focus when it comes to certain things, and my reactions to life seem sort of out of whack. I get really mad and frustrated at little things that are often out of my control, and am almost numb and emotionless when things more important to me or life in general go wrong that were in my power to shape. I haven’t been able to figure out why this is, or how to change this upside-down way I react to things, but at least I recognize it’s there, which is the first step to dealing with it.

This relates to music because this noise is drowning out creation and inspiration. There have been times when I have felt truly inspired in the last year – one day when I took the morning off I wrote a song. It came really fast and seemed really good. Now when I listen to it, it’s basically way too wordy to work, though I still LOVE the chord progression and feel. I just have to modify/rewrite the melody it to make it workable, and I haven’t been able to muster the energy to do it. I have a lot of older songs that basically need new words (the music is great), but I haven’t been able to find anything I really want to say that doesn’t sound forced or cliche. It’s kind of driving me nuts, because the words have always been EASIER than the music for me. Maybe it was just that I didn’t care as much about them then, and kind of let whatever come out come out, but it’s still frustrating. Sometimes they turned out really well (especially on the songs I wrote from 2004-2006), other times, well, I’m embarrassed to even sing them now. Considering how I feel about lyrics, and how much more important they’ve become to me as I’ve grown older, I think the combination of the aforementioned “noise of life” and my own paralyzing self-editing are crippling my creativity.

So what is the way out of this? I honestly don’t know. If you read this and have any good ideas, I’d appreciate them. But I will eventually find something that inspires me and allows me to create. I think I’ve mentioned before how much the setup and cleanliness of my studio frustrate me now. I definitely need to find a way to reorganize it so that it’s more functional. I also need to get rid of a lot of crap that lives in my garage and set up a comfortable place for have people over to jam, because I think I derive a bunch of inspiration from just jamming out ideas with people. Maybe I can put together a band and shape my existing songs, because that might inspire some writing as well. All I know is that playing in the cover band is fun and easy, and has been quite a salve for the pain of not being creative when we’ve had regular gigs. I just need to make the time to play more, get together with the guys a little more, even if we don’t have gigs, and maybe even explore some other fun musical projects with some friends with whom I haven’t yet really had the chance to work.

Thanks for reading this long message…although I doubt anyone would get this far, if you have, you’re a special person and I am grateful. I have an art show gig with Roman Holiday at the end of the month that should be fun, and hopefully a rehearsal or two before that, so things should be ramping up in that regard. We also should be booking our spring/summer shows soon, so knowing we’ve got stuff coming up will be a good cure to the winter doldrums.

It’s been really rainy the past few days, and it feels like we’re in Seattle. The upside of this is the cedar and mold pollen are pretty mellow right now, so my allergies aren’t screwing me up and making it so I can’t sing as well as I know I can. I do need to practice that more so I can improve my consistency and control, but when is that not the case? Singing is really fun. On that note, and as a followup to my last blog, I haven’t heard a peep from the Capital Suspects guys, so I’m not sure what’s up with that. I guess they don’t need me to fill in…which is okay. I hope they find someone great for their position, but I did have a lot of fun being “The Singer” for a night.

Happy New Year and all my best in 2012!
TMS